The Real Ninja of Konoha
by chewbecky
Summary: AU, Non-massacre. The truth is revealed about the men who lead two of the most powerful clans in Konoha.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

A/N: I just wrote this for shits and giggles. Nothing makes much sense.

Hinata was genuinely a nice girl. She loved her family, father, sister and her more of a brother than a cousin, Neji. She loved her mother, and was always told that she was more like her than her father. This would have been a compliment if it weren't for the fact that it was being said as an insult to prove she did not have what it takes to be the next Hyuga clan head. It was really extra rude considering the fact that her mother was dead. Fuck them senile old ass Hyuga. Seriously why is it that they live so long? Hinata lol'd at the thought on the back porch, sprawled out in the summer heat, eating a damn delicious popsicle. It was grape, her favorite flavor cause that shit is the bestest. Hanabi was lying on her stomach beside her elder sister, destroying a cherry popsicle while flipping through a magazine littered with teen heart throbs. Neji lay in a hammock, neatly consuming his watermelon popsicle, lazily swinging back and forth, imagining the clouds were shaped like big-booty-hoes. They had not a care in the world.

Hinata had gone through some changes throughout her 17 years of existence. She made some resolutions to strengthen her resolve. She was quiet not because she was afraid to speak, oh no, it was because she chose not to speak. She smiled at the elders not in kindness, but because she knew their time would soon expire. You see, Hinata found out some truths about herself, about her mother, and about her lineage. This very truth would cause the Hyuga hierarchy to fold in on itself, completely and utterly destroying the clan from the inside out. And those bastards deserved it. Always berating her, ever since she was a child, they always threw in their two cents. Hinata could forgive, but never would she forget, for she had a very acute memory.

On her tenth birthday, all she wanted was a Melody whimsical mermaid Barbie. This Barbie was the bee's knees. When you put her mermaid tail in hot water, guess what? It turned pink! In cold water it turned purple! When you brushed her hair with her magical-mermaid-conch-shell-brush, it made her hair turn all the colors of the rainbow. ROYGBIV, motha-effa! Hinata wanted this doll so bad, she even memorized the commercial: "Melodyyy oh Mel-oooo—dyyy! Magical, whimsical, mermaaaiiiiid bar-beeeehhhh. Melooody oh Meee-loooo-dyyy be magical, whimsical, best-friends with meeeehhhh!". Yeah, so pretty much every Hyuga in the compound knew how bad she wanted this Barbie. Long story short, she didn't get it. Instead, some granny Hyuga gave her a lecture about how she needed to take her role as heiress more seriously, and she was too old to be playing childish games. And how when she was her age…Hinata spaced out at that part, but what the hell? She was only ten, what adult things could she possibly do? This dried up sack of bones telling her she too old? The irony was too much. So from that day on, Hinata kept that old hag in an especially dark corner of her mind.

Hiashi peered out his window, looking at his children on the balcony. This scene was especially disturbing for him. Hyuga just don't sit around and "chill", secondly he just knew that they were plotting his demise. Knowing how strict he had been with his eldest daughter and how he branded his nephew, he sure damn deserved it. The insults he threw at her in frustration, just wishing she could be tougher and stronger. And for a long time Hinata really tried, tried hard to beat the odds. He sighed, exasperated with himself, he was maybe too strict on her. But how could he not be? Her cousin excelled at everything, like a true genius. He often wished that he was his heir instead. That thought should have never been voiced, even if it was late, even if it was only whispered to Ko, even if it was only the wine speaking. When his hazy eyes connected on hers, he knew she had heard. Her eyes glassed over, but tears were never shed. Ko rushed her off to bed, she probably felt he was more of a father to her anyway. The next day, her eyes were dim. Like a light had shut off. That day Hiashi knew that Hinata hated him. That was also the day that karma showed herself as the salty sea bitch she was.

There had been a turn of events in the Hyuga compound. If Hiashi had to trace it back, it would be around when Hinata turned thirteen. As was the original agreement between the two clans, Hinata was to be sent to her mother's clan during the summer months after Hinata turned six. She was dual heiress of the Hyuga as well as the Shiratori. But since the Shiratori clan was situated in the mountains near Kumo, and the whole Kumo-wanna-kidnap-the-hyuga-heiress-to-scoop-out-her-eyes-but-get-caught—and-then-lie-about-it-so-Neji-daddy-gotta-pay-the-price fiasco, Hiashi was uh, reluctant, to let his daughter go. But don't get it twisted. He was more-so worried about her beloved byakugan wielding eyes than her safe keeping because he's a douche like that. So both clans agreed to allow Hinata to travel to Shiratori land with escort once she turned thirteen.

So Hinata turned thirteen, her birthday effing sucked, again. Not only did she still not get the mermaid Barbie (it's still something she greatly desires) but instead of cake they had damn sugar-free tapioca nasty ass pudding. Why? Hinata had the whole night to come up with a reason why, and thus came to this theory. The Hyuga compound was overpopulated with advanced aged citizens. These zombies were old as dirt and thus had some degenerative diseases, including but not limited to sugar diabetes. They also probably only had about eight teeth between all of them. Eating damn sugar-free nasty ass tapioca pudding is no treat (no matter how nice the nurse says it is). The old hoagies knew this which only made them angry, causing them to reflect on their younger days and resent youth because it was long gone, dried up from their liver spotted asses. The rapidly increasing level of anger turned their hearts black, causing them to hate every youthful being within a ten mile radius. So to extract their revenge, they made every one partake of the damn sugar-free nasty ass tapioca pudding. And the icing on the proverbial cake was that it was the heiress' birthday, which they hated because she was young and not insulin resistant. Ratchet ass geezers. Afterwards, Hinata packed her bags and was ready to go early the next morning. Her escorts were Lee, Neji, and Hanabi. Her father was obviously too cheap to put in for a formal team of shinobi, stingy bastard.

But as Hiashi sat in his study, recalling when Hinata left for the Shiratori clan, he also recalled the devastating truth he learned about his own clan that day.

"Hiashi-sama?"

"Not now Ko, this is the first time I have not had the kids in years!"

"Hiashi-sama, its not like you're ever with them when they are here."

"Kill joy. What is it you have to tell me right now, Ko?"

"Well,we….As of right now, the Hyuga are broke."

"…"

"Hiashi-sama, please say something."

"Well, fuck. I knew I should've married Hinata off to one of those Uchiha pricks!"

Anyone living and breathing in Konoha knows that the Uchiha and Hyuga aren't exactly the best of friends. All the other clans seemed to get along just fine, but maybe that's because their ninja skills were so different. Although they would never admit it, not even in the flames of a thousand amaterasu's, many Konoha residents felt that the sharingan was just the red-headed step child of the byakugan. Yes, pun intended because the sharingan is indeed red. But just because it's thought to be a bastard child with no known daddy, that doesn't make the sharingan any less powerful. The Uchiha were no dumb-dumbs, they knew errbody was hatin' behind their backs. This was one of the reasons they were so damn stuck up. Since the Hyuga were pretty stuck up and everyone accepted it, they figured they could do it too. Sewing fans on every piece of cloth in the damn compound like people wouldn't know who they were if they just activated their damn eyes. Whatever. Mikoto won't having none of that. Although she was mother of the Uchiha clan, or so they called her, she wasn't raising her babies to be rude nor snobbish. For instance, one day her eldest son came home from the academy and of course her smart little genius of a baby had worked up an appetite, but just cause you hungry don't mean you can talk to your mama any old kind of way, don't be rude.

"Mom, I'm hungry."

"Okay, 'tachi-baby give me a second I'm on the phone."

Three very literal seconds pass by.

"Moooom, I'm starving."

"Itachi, okay. I'm still on the—"

"You said give you a second, and I waited three."

"Dafuu? Oh haaayell, no. Keiko, girl let me call you back." Click, hair toss, leg cross, hands on hips. "Excuse me, but when you see me on the ph—"

"Mom! You were taking forever and—"

"And I told you to give me a second."

"…and I gave you three—"

"Oh now you wanna get smart with me!? Wanna get smart and interrupt!?"

"M-mom, I…"

"Oh that's right, I forgot you was a little _genius_." Tiger, bear, rat, rabbit. (hand seals)

"Mom, what are you—"

"Kuchiyose no jutsu!" The smoke clears and the world's biggest belt appears, "Now Imma beat yo little genius ass!"

"AAAaaaAAAaaAaAaHHhhHHhhH!"

"Told *_whack*_ your *_whack*_ ass to *_whack*_ wait *_whack*_ a* _whack*_ second *_whack*!?"_

This continued for three more sentences, each word separated by a whack of the belt. When it was all over, the belt disappeared in a puff of smoke and Itachi sat cowering in a corner.

"Stop crying."

Itachi, try as he might could not stop the whelps escaping his mouth.

"Ok, you wanna keep crying? I'll give you a reason to cry…" Tiger, bear, rat, rabbit.

Itachi's eyes widened as he clamped his hands over his mouth, shaking his head "no" with much vigor.

"That's what I thought."

The microwave dinged and Mikoto pulled out the plate and set it on the table. She filled a glass with some apple juice and pulled the ketchup out of the refrigerator. Itachi quietly took his seat at the table and began to eat his dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets, they were his favorite. If Mikoto had known then that her eldest son could not grasp abstract thinking and never would, then maybe….maybe she wouldn't have performed beat-yo-ass-no-jutsu on him. Yeah right. She picked up the phone, punching in the numbers with acute manual dexterity.

"Hey, Keiko. Yeah, girl you know I had to beat his ass right quick. Mmhmm girl, yes I did. Beat-that-ass-no-jutsu. Lulz!"

Mikoto was stirred from her reverie by the opening of the front door. She could tell by the footsteps it was her hubby. She looked at the clock, he was early. Not this shit again. After Sasuke was born, Fugaku would "randomly" show up throughout the day because the milk man apparently had made some comment about her being a MILF. Paranoid bastard. But Sasuke was thirteen now, so that couldn't be what was up. Truth be told, Fugaku was tired. Being the Uchiha clan head, chief of the Uchiha police force, father of the most amazing and talented Uchiha children, husband to a smoking hawt wife and being damn sexy himself…well it was all very, very tiring. Damn fate for making him so utterly destined to be marvelous. He sat down his Uchiha lunch box and Uchiha coffee mug, unbuttoned his Uchiha jacket and hung it on the rack then bent over and pulled off his Uchiha sandal-boots. Now he could relax, perhaps get it in with his honey-boo-boo before the kids got home and maybe even get a sandwich.

"Miko-baby, daddy's home." He leaned against the doorframe of the kitchen, "Oooh, you're wearing the blue apron. You know that turns me on."

"Hush, Fugaku. I'm trying to finish dinner so just stop."

In an instant his body was pressed against the back of hers, she squeaked in surprise. He wrapped his arms around her.

"Let me help. How about I toss that salad?" He questioned, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Really, Fugaku?" Mikoto swatted him away with her dishtowel. If this marriage hadn't been arranged, he'd still be single.

"Awww, c'mon Miko. I took off early just for you, babe."

"Well then you should have brought—"

"Brought you these?" He whipped out a dozen of roses, from nowhere. So add magician in with the rest of that previous list.

Mikoto gasped, eyes misting at the rare site of her husband being thoughtful. Not really entirely thoughtful, but close enough. Without further adieu, she jumped into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist. Hotly kissing one another, they were hornier than two high-schoolers trying to be on the next season of Teen Mom.

"M-mommy..?"

Mikoto and Fugaku froze, hoping somehow that would grant them invisibility from their baby boy's eyes. They both looked out a window to see fate floating bye on a breeze, smiling whilst flipping them the bird until he was a shining star, disappearing on the horizon. Luckily, or unluckily depending on how it is perceived, Itachi walked in.

"O-oh."

With super Uchiha ninja speed that only he possessed, he knocked Sasuke out, catching his limp body in his arms. He disappeared up the stairs, and returned a few moments later.

"This is why you should have told him the truth." Itachi stated.

"About what?" Fugaku asked.

"The birds and the bees, geez Fugaku!"

"Birds? Bees? No mother, I'm referring to sexual intercourse and procreation." Itachi once again stated.

Both parents stared at their son for a moment, and then just shook their heads. It could definitely be worse. They were probably going to have to arrange a marriage for him.

"Oh, Itachi, look at the flowers your father brought for me!" Mikoto beamed, holding out a handful of nothing. Before Fugaku could give Itachi the Uchiha glare which communicated everything which could not be said, Itachi simply stated, "What flowers mother?"

She blinked once, twice, thrice. The genjutsu faded and when she looked down into her hands she saw nothing. Her arms fell to her side, hands balling into fists.

"Fugaku!" Boar, rabbit, dog. "Black widow no jutsu!"

"Miko-baby, I was gonna get the real thing later—AAAAAAHHHHH!"

The microwave dinged and Itachi pulled out the plate and set it on the table. He filled a glass with apple juice then pulled out the ketchup from the refrigerator. He took his seat at the table and silently began to eat his dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets. He just loved these damn nuggets. Wow, a stegosaurus and a brachiosaurus!? Thanks, mom. He looked out the window and watched as fate winked and gave him a thumbs-up before hopping on a unicorn and ascending a never ending rainbow to Valhalla. He wondered to himself if his mother knew of the other times his father used genjutsu on her.

Sayuri walked into the kitchen, taking a seat next to her eldest brother and partaking of his nuggets. Itachi was nice, so he shared. She easily ignored the commotion between her two parents. She used Uchiha nonverbal communication with Itachi to find out what was going on. Sayuri raised a single eyebrow, Itachi quickly raised both, in return Sayuri frowned slightly to which Itachi only shrugged. Which roughly translated into…

"Dad used genjutsu on mom again?"

"Yep, though you would think he learned his lesson the last time when he genjutsu'd their whole anniversary dinner because he was so busy at work he forgot."

"Or the time he used a shadow clone to take her out on one of their date nights. Oh well, dad is hopeless. He's never gonna learn."

"True that, little sis, true that."

Sayuri tossed her hair over shoulder, she may have looked more like her father but her mannerisms were definitely of her mother. She had always been told (by outsiders) that she didn't look like an Uchiha, some even went as far as saying she wasn't one. They had to be fucking kidding. Did they not see her decked out in her Uchiha garb? Not just anyone can get these fans…One particularly hilarious rumor was that Sayuri was a bastard child of an extramarital affair involving Fugaku and some no named whore. The Uchiha would have never bothered with her if it weren't for the fact that she had the sharingan, which most female Uchiha did not have. So having no choice, they brought her to live at the compound. If the creators of this rumor had been Uchiha, they would know for a fact the Uchiha elders would not have gave a single fuck and left her to die outside the gates because they barely gave a shit about the Uchiha kids within the compound. Secondly, if her father were having an affair, her mother would have ended his life. That's the simple truth. Thirdly, her father couldn't pick up an unconscious woman lying at his feet, which is why his marriage was arranged. Lastly, she hadn't even activated her sharingan yet. Dumb fucks.

The simple truth behind Sayuri's existence was that she and Sasuke were what one might call irish twins. They were barely seven months apart. After birthing Sasuke's big ass head, Mikoto had assumed that her doctor put her IUD in place, just like after she had Itachi. But that ass monkey obviously had other shit on his mind. You know what they say about assuming; make an ass out of you and me. Lo and behold at her six week check up, Mikoto found out she was preggers. So after Sayuri was born, she had a tubal ligation. Which basically means they amaterasu'd the shit out of her fallopian tubes.

Later that night (because he was kicked out by his lovely wife), Fugaku found himself sitting on a bar stool next to an equally vexed patron who was none other than Hiashi. Hiashi, being broke, was getting free drinks (which the bartender didn't know at this time) on his name alone. They shared a glance, and in that moment pushed all rivalry aside and actually shared a connection that only two amazing clan heads of powerful ninja clans could share. Approximately fifteen minutes later, both were what someone might call white-boy wasted, singing lady marmalade on the karaoke giving shout-outs to each other and calling for someone named Consuela to pass out the desert wine. Approximately three minutes later they both were kicked out. But the joke was on them, neither clan head paid their tab. There, slumped in the alleyway both men formulated a plan of success that both their clans would benefit from. The writing was on the back of a napkin, but they both signed it then shook hands. Fate walked past both men's slumped form and pooted in their faces. He just ate a bag of salt and vinegar chips, they always made him gassy. He whistled and an albino black panther appeared, he jumped on his back and disappeared into the black of night. At that time, babies began to cry and dogs howled at the moon. Some real shit just went down in Konoha tonight.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

A/N: Aniki is Japanese for big brother. Sriracha sauce is a type of Asian hot sauce. I admit that I know nothing of Japanese nutrition (sorry Master Solo) and I would also like to admit that I am too lazy to do any research. Thank you for your reviews anyway, VioletDemon241 as well as Master Solo

After dragging himself from the alleyway he was thrown in, Fugaku was able to stumble/crawl back to his home. Even through his drunk stupor, he knew Mikoto was more than likely still super pissed and therefore there would be no snuggling. He made himself as comfortable as possible and fell asleep slumped against the front door.

Inside the house, Mikoto was sleeping soundly in her bed, along with Sayuri, Sasuke and Itachi. She always made her children sleep in the bed with her when she fought with her husband. Keeping that no-good son of a gun from trying to creep in the bed was only a minor reason why. While she slept, snoring lightly, her children laid there unnaturally stiff. This always weirded them the hell out, but knew that no one crosses Mikoto Uchiha. Each of them lay wide awake, contemplating what type of child abuse this could be classified under.

_Later that morning…_

"Who let you in?" Mikoto was asking her husband, but shot each of her children an intimidating glare.

"Sasuke." Fugaku replied. Said son shot a wtf look at his father before slowly turning to his mother.

"Mommy…" Sasuke began, giving his best puppy dog eyes yet. Being a momma's boy had its advantages.

"Don't try me boy."

Sasuke dropped his head in shame. Mikoto laid some slightly charred bacon on his plate, punishment for aiding the traitor. She saved the completely blackened pieces for her husband, setting his plate before him and pecking him on the forehead.

"Awww, Miko baby c'mon!"

"Hmm, is something wrong dear?" Mikoto asked innocently, holding up the huge ass butcher knife she was using to put butter on her toast.

Fugaku shook his head violently. Sayuri, Itachi and Sasuke stared at their plates, too afraid to look anywhere else. Fugaku sighed, took off his jacket and threw over the back of his chair. Something fell from the jacket pocket and hit the floor. Mikoto eyed the object with a death glare; surprisingly it didn't combust into flames.

"What is that?" Mikoto asked sweetly, a little too sweetly.

"What is what?" Fugaku mumbled not looking up from his plate.

Mikoto smiled a fake smile, smoothed her apron and tossed her hair over her shoulder. She cleared her throat and rose from her chair at the table. The temperature dropped twenty degrees. The Uchiha siblings silently whispered a prayer for their father. Because if that object happened to be the number of some disease-ridden bimbo (just a possibility that had crossed Mikoto's mind), this would surely be the death of Fugaku Uchiha. Mikoto picked up the crumpled napkin, unfolding it slowly. She looked at each one of her children for what could be the last time. Itachi, she hoped he would be able to find a wife on his own and wasn't too serious with his work. Sasuke, she hoped he would eventually fall in love with one of his fangirls and learn to be himself, not always in his brother's shadow. Sayuri, she hoped and prayed and then prayed some more that she would be a respectable woman and stay the hell off that pole. Hell, bands make her want to dance too but she had priorities. Lastly, Mikoto's gaze fell upon her husband…soon to be late husband. She had given him her all, but it wasn't enough. He sat there, unmoving, fists clenched on the table and sweat beginning to form on his brow. The napkin was finally unfolded and her eyes scanned over the scribble, then the two signatures at the bottom. She read over it again and then once more just to be sure.

"Fugaku, the hell is this!?"

"I-I was gonna tell you baby, I swear!"

"Do you realize what this is? Or what you've done!?"

"U-uhhh, bringing together two of the most powerful clans in Konoha and ensuring future peace…?"

Mikoto slapped him across the face then grabbed him by the collar, shaking him violently.

"How could you!? Without me!? What about the children!?"

"I-I…"

"What did you agree to, father?" Itachi's calm voice broke through the chaos. Mikoto stopped strangling her husband for the time being.

"Well kids, you see…"

Three pair of Uchiha eyes stared at their father, waiting in anticipation.

_Hyuga Compound_

"No way."

"Yes way, Ko. Stop saying that."

"B-but, how? If you don't mind me asking, Hiashi-sama."

"Great minds think alike, Ko. That's all that really matters."

Hiashi couldn't suppress his grin. He sipped his tea happily; he just solved the Hyuga money matters over one night. The elders would be so ecstatic they just might, dare he even think it, die. Hiashi suppressed a giggle.

"Hiashi-sama, you do realize that Hinata-sama won't be back for three years…"

Hiashi choked on his tea. He had almost forgotten. Fucking Shiratori clan…

"Damn it, Ko! Always a damn kill joy." Hiashi crossed his arms. "Well, it's not the Dark Ages. It wouldn't be legal until she was of legal age anyhow. This is more of a promise."

"But in these situations, wouldn't you be the one to pay? Seeing how Hinata is a female…"

"That's just it, Ko. The beauty of this whole transaction is that Hinata is an heiress, a double heiress actually." That damn Cheshire cat grin returned to Hiashi's face.

"Yes, but isn't he an heir as well?"

"Technically yes, but not the eldest. Keisuke, Misuke whatever his name is, he isn't the eldest."

"I believe his name is Sasuke, sir. And since Hinata will be leaving the clan, who will become successor?"

"Hanabi of course, don't be dense Ko. Two birds one stone." Hiashi almost felt the urge to dance a jig.

Ko frowned, looking away from the Hyuga clan head. A man should be happy for the betrothal of his daughter, but this happy? Well he did also pull the clan out of a financial black hole. Still, he had watched over Hinata for so long. She was like family to him, immediate family not distant cousin twice removed.

"Come on, Ko, don't give me that look."

"Forgive me, Hiashi-sama. It's just that if I'd known I would've given a better parting gift to Hinata-sama."

Hiashi frowned. Maybe he came off as too pleased. It wasn't like he was getting rid of her, like she would be a test subject to start the breeding of hybrid Uchyuga babies. Sharinkyugan, Byakuringan…? It was the best decision, for her and the clan. She just wasn't cut out to run the clan. She'd be happy with that Uchiha boy. He was all the rage at the academy, even had a fangirl following. Hiashi glanced once more at Ko's sullen face, guilt caused his chest to feel heavy. He refused to feel bad. This was for Hinata's best interest as well as the clan. He didn't put the clan before his own daughter…did he?

_Uchiha training ground aka backyard…_

Sasuke threw another kunai, through the bull's eye of the target and halfway through the tree it hung from. He wasn't angry, but he wasn't happy either. His father had just blurted out how he and the Hyuga clan head, in a drunken stupor, decided to marry off their children…TO EACH OTHER. Not only that but also a third of the Uchiha's riches. But why him, why not Itachi? This was right up his alley; he was always willing to sacrifice himself for the sake of the clan and Konoha, being a tool for the betterment of the people and blah blah blah. Didn't anyone else find it strange how quickly Hiashi was willing to give up is clan's heiress? Was she even his daughter? Hanako, Hinawa…whatever her name was. She was nice, but he could hardly recall anything about her.

Sasuke sighed, slumping against the tree.

"Well, look at the bright side, Aniki. Your fangirls will finally back off." Sayuri smiled, offering him a bottle of water.

"Yipee." Sasuke deadpanned.

Sayuri took a seat beside her brother, "Hinata's really nice. I sat beside her during Academy. Plus, she's not a fangirl."

"It's not that."

"Well, what is it then?"

"What if she doesn't like me?" Sasuke shook his bangs out of his eyes. A fangirl could be heard swooning.

"Hmm, true. She did have a huge crush on that Uzumaki boy."

"Wait, what? Naruto?"

"Yea, him! She totally passed out this one time cuz he touched her hand." Sayuri giggled at the memory.

"Hn." He pouted, no not pouted more like brooded. Insert fangirl sighing.

"Oh, guess that doesn't help things."

"Nope."

"Well, she has plenty time to get over it. She told me she was going to her mother's clan for a while."

"For how long?"

"Uhh, three years."

"Well, fuck. So I don't even get to see her."

"Wow, you seem unhappy about not getting to see her instead of being forced to marry a stranger cuz dad was drunk."

"W-well, I'm uhhh, just rollin' with the punches Sayuri, damn!"

"Okay Sasuke, calm the hell down."

Sasuke shot Sayuri a glare, but being an Uchiha made her pretty much immune. She stood up, pissed she was even worried about her brother in the first place. This was the last time she was gonna give a fuck about his worthless dumbass.

"Well, excuuuuuse me, touchy ass bastard."

Sasuke watched her stomp off. He loved his sister, but she was a bipolar bitch at times. Ever since she started her damn period, that's probably what it was now. She barged passed Itachi on his way out to Sasuke. A similar thought about menstrual cycles crossed his mind as he made his way to his little brother. He sat down across from him, looking at him from the corner of his eye.

"Hey man."

"Hey."

"Sorry about…" Itachi threw his hands in the air. For those who don't know, that is Uchiha sign language for 'this mess'.

"Hn."

"Could be worse."

"How?"

"Sakura Haruno." Itachi said, straight faced. A chill ran down Sasuke's spine. (At the Haruno residence, inside a coat closet) Sakura sneezed, shook her head then continued to light candles around her shrine to a certain Uchiha boy.

"Guess you're right."

"Yeah."

"Ah."

"You know what you need?" Itachi cocked an eyebrow.

"Naw dog, what?"

"Guys night."

"Guy's night?" Sasuke cocked his head to the side.

"Guuuyy's Niiiiggghhhhttt!" Itachi high fived Sasuke then brought it around for a low five.

"Thanks man."

"No problem, I'll go get Shisui."

Sasuke walked back into the house. His father was sitting on the couch, looking at him hopefully. Sasuke turned a fucking Andre 3000 ice-cold-shoulder, his mother would be proud. He ran up the stairs, and stopped at Sayuri's door. Even though her damn chemical imbalance was not his fault and probably just due to distribution of certain hormones, he still felt compelled to apologize. He pushed the door open.

"Sayuri, I—"

Sasuke stared into the eyes of the boy who (in his eyes) was inappropriately close to his innocent, baby sister. For some reason, all of his precious moments with Sayuri passed before his eyes. Him and Sayuri as toddlers/young children doing the following: blowing bubbles, them running together with sparklers, finding shells together on the beach, eating watermelon, nursing a hurt kitten, Sayuri skinning her knee, glomping Itachi after his return from a long mission, being afraid of the lightning and running to Itachi's bed. Sasuke cracked his knuckles, sharingan flashing in his eyes. At this precise moment Itachi as well as Shisui rushed up the stairs, sensing the immense killer intent. Now, the poor boy that was only showing Sayuri his sketches was now looking at three sets of sharingans full of malicious intent. Sayuri stood between them and Sai (because who else sketches, c'mon people.).

"First of all, you are to knock before you enter a lady's room." Sayuri gave Sasuke a sour look. "Second, what the hell!? I'm really touched you guys, but nothing is going on here."

Sasuke, Itachi and Shisui looked between Sai and Sayuri, sharingans still activated.

" . .here."

"Who is this boy, your…boyfriend?" Itachi spat out, it hurt him to say the word. He stared at Sai who had enough sense not to look into his eyes.

"Eh, no. This is Sai, my teammate." Itachi cocked an eyebrow at her statement, Sayuri continued "Remember he came to my birthday party and joked Sasuke about being in inch worm…?"

"Oh, pale boy! I remember now, hahaha!" Shisui commented, deactivating his eyes.

"Hmm, is that when he pantsed Sasuke after getting out the pool?" Itachi asked, also deactivating his sharingan.

Sasuke's eyes widened in shock and probably embarrassment too, therefore his sharingan remained activated.

"Tch!"

"Sasuke, please don't hurt my teammate." Sayuri pleaded with her big pleady Uchiha eyes.

"Fine." Sasuke turned away, still pissed.

"Let bygones be bygones Sasuke. Hey, powder, we're having a guy's night tonight at my place." Shisui slapped/patted Sai on the back. "Why don't you come by, bring some friends."

Sai nodded mutely. He was still pretty shaken up about almost being beat to death by crazy Uchiha siblings. He waved goodbye to Sayuri then ninja exited from the compound. Sayuri stood with one hand on her hip; she cocked an eyebrow at Shisui.

"What princess?" Shisui asked.

"Don't pull any pranks on him Shisui, he's already weird."

"What!? I won't, scouts honor cupcake" Shisui saluted.

"I mean it. Guys don't prank him, he doesn't really understand…okay?"

The trio solemnly nodded their heads.

"Next time you come barging in my room, I'll throw a tampon at your asses….a used tampon…"

The three scrambled over each other running down the hall to Itachi's room.

"Dude, your sister is nasty as fuck." Shisui mumbled. "She used to be all nice, but now she's all like…iunno, she's kind of a bitch."

"Hey,man. That's my little sister! She's just…sensitive right now." Itachi defended.

Sasuke just crossed his arms; he wasn't about to defend her when she acted the way she did. He didn't totally disagree with his cousin anyway.

"So about this guy's night…" Sasuke changed the subject.

"My man, Sasuke! Sucks you gotta get married so young. Don't worry man, I'm gonna take care of you tonight." Shisui draped an arm around Sasuke's shoulder, which made him feel awkward. Sasuke enjoyed having his personal space respected.

"It's been so long since we've had a guy's night…"Itachi struck a thinking pose. "Remember the last time? Uncle Madara smoked all that weed then started smacking Aunt Kiro's ass saying it was so fat he needed a lap dance?"

Itachi and Shisui busted out laughing. Tears actually fell from their eyes.

"Oh my gawd man, then he made like ten of those raunchy ass rice and sriracha sauce sandwiches and ate the shit outta them." Shisui added.

Sasuke's eyebrows almost flew off his head as he listened to his brother's high pitch giggle. It was like a never ending loop, Itachi would giggle (like a girl) then Shisui would start laughing, restart. It went on for a good three minutes until they finally calmed down (because they couldn't breathe). Even though it was horrendous to listen to, it peaked Sasuke's interest.

"Which reminds me, we need to grab some munchies before we head to your place," Itachi stated, "Uncle Madara puked for like two days after that."

"I'm coming in…" Mikoto called from outside the door.

"Come in, mom" Itachi called out.

"Hey boys, " Mikoto began, but was then promptly glomped by Shisui.

"Auntie Mikoto!" He had big starry eyes as he hugged her. She passed the plate of sandwiches to him.

"I made you boys some sandwiches." Mikoto looked over to Sasuke, "You okay Sasuke-kins?"

"Moooommm, don't call me that." Sasuke stomped his foot.

"Okay, okay. I just wanted to tell you guys that I know you are having a guy's night tonight." Mikoto smiled.

"Yes…" Itachi waited for her to continue.

"And I am commanding you to take your father with you."

"W-w-what!? Mom, c'mon. He's the reason we're having one in the first place!" Sasuke was just about to throw a damn tantrum.

"Well, I don't want him here and he obviously can't go out anywhere alone because look what happened the last time!"

"Kinda your own fault for kicking him out" Sasuke mumbled.

"Excuse me!?" Rat, tiger, bear…

"Yes, mother, we will bring father with us" Itachi blurted, suppressing a PTSD episode.

"Good," Mikoto pecked Itachi's forehead, "And bring those dishes out when you're done eating."

"Yes, mother." Both brothers said in unison.

With that Mikoto left the room. Shisui mumbled something about being a mama's boy. Itachi slapped Shisui upside the head and snatched the plate of sandwiches from him. Shisui looked outside Itachi's window and saw Fate and Karma sitting atop of a blanket enjoying a picnic together. They raised their glasses in a toast then intertwined their arms and took a sip. Afterwards they threw their heads back and laughed. Shit just got real.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: No own Naruto.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Madara Uchiha was as old as dirt. He also was high as a kite at the moment (Hey, its guy's night). It was never quite understood, nor was it explained, as to why he was called uncle instead of grandpa. But the whole clan called him Uncle Madara (Uncle Maddy behind his back). Once a boy asked why he smoked so much of the reefer, after debating an excuse about glaucoma he was set on fire. Poor Obito was never the same after that, wore a mask to hide his disfigured face.

"Damn hoe! Don't open that door!" Madara yelled at the television, shaking his cane. He took a puff from his joint. "Bet you the killer chop her skinny ass in half."

Just as predicted, the killer was waiting behind the door and chopped the skinny hoe's ass in half.

"Damn, Uncle Madara. You seen this before?" Shisui questioned, he was currently awed by his uncle's psychic abilities.

"Naw, naw. I just know don't nobody want a skinny ass hoe. The only thing you can do with 'em is chop 'em in half." Madara explained as if it were common sense. "See, now if that was a big booty hoe she wouldn't have been runnin' up no stairs to get away from the killer, cuz big booty hoes don't think like that."

"What's a big booty hoe, Uncle?" Sasuke asked, he honestly had no idea.

Madara sent him a shocked glare. For a moment everyone held their breath because this face could easily have been mistaken for Madara having a heart attack…or an aneurysm.

"Sorry Uncle, Sasuke's been married off and doesn't know." Itachi explained.

"Oh yeah" Madara stroked his chin then passed his joint to Sasuke "Smoke up boy, I'mma try to explain the best I can. All you young bucks listen up, this is important life sustaining knowledge I'm about to impart upon you."

Sai, Sasuke, and Naruto (who were all seated on the couch) turned their attention to Madara, who was seated in his hover-round. Itachi and Shisui were situated on the floor before their uncle's feet. Fugaku was forced to sit in the bitch seat (an uncomfortable wooden chair) in the corner of the room, but still gave his undivided attention.

"You see boys, a big booty hoe is the type of hoe you wanna marry." Madara began. "Like your Aunt Kiro, woooweeee! Make me wanna spank that monkey…"

"Oi, Uncle, what makes a big booty hoe different from any other girl?" Naruto asked, obviously confused.

"Good question boy. First of all, they gotta have some boom-bada-bayum!" Madara gestured his hand in a hour glass shape (a bottom heavy one at that). "They ain't gotta be no beauty queen in the face, but they can't be no butter face either."

"Butter face?" Fugaku quirked an eyebrow.

"Yeah, you know. Everything fine but-her-face…"Madara began laughing, then wheezing, then hacking. He calmed down a few moments after readjusting the flow of oxygen in his nasal cannula.

"Hmm, so she has to have some boom-bada-bam and a cute face. What else?" Sai questioned, furiously taking notes.

"Well, a dumb hoe will steal ya dough, a trick just chase the dick, but a smart bitch ain't all about getting rich. " Madara recited, nostalgia taking over.

Sasuke pondered carefully about what his uncle just said. Sai nodded and Naruto squinted.

"Uncle," Sasuke began "What do you think about the Hyuga girl I'm marrying? Is she…you know?"

"Hmm, only really seen that girl a handful of times, but she's got potential. Them Hyuga hoes is stacked, and I heard they can stretch a dollar 'till the eagle smiles." Madara took back his joint, puffing away. "That's a good woman for ya' Sasuke."

"Oi, oi! What about Sakura-chan?" Naruto questioned.

"Butter face." Sai interjected.

"Not even." Sasuke commented, "she has no boom-bada-bam."

Naruto crossed his arms and huffed. Itachi and Shisui began laughing like lunatics.

"Shisui boy, you still after that one Akimichi girl?" Madara questioned.

"W-what uncle?" Shisui tried to play dumb.

"You know, Shisui, what's her name? Chaiya?" Itachi unashamedly threw his cousin under the bus.

Shisui sulked, he had been getting joked for a while for liking her. In his eyes she was beautiful as she was big. But she was feisty too, and never gave Shisui the time of day. His reputation as a playboy had preceded him.

"Ain't nothin' to be embarrassed about boy, that's a fine ass hoe. Remember, Uchiha never miss their targets. Once you got your sights on a woman, you gotta' go after her with all you got." Madara shook his cane at Shisui.

"Look at Fugaku here. Dumb as a bag of rocks when it comes to women. But even he got a dime, although it was arranged." Madara chuckled. "Looks like you take after your daddy, Itachi."

Itachi didn't reply, instead he took a sip from his Caprisun juice pouch. It was strawberry, his favorite.

"Actually Uncle, there is a girl that I'm interested in." Itachi decided to share. "She works in the seals department of the Hokage Tower."

Everyone froze. Itachi never talked about girls, never ever never. Fugaku mentally thanked every star in the heavens.

"Well I'll be damned boy!" Madara shouted, "Come on now, tell ya' Uncle all about her."

"Well," Itachi straitened his posture, "she's very pretty uncle, but she's not from Konoha."

"Ah-ha, fresh meat…go on."

"She's usually quiet."

"Freak in the sheets, mm-hmm."

"She has dark skin, light eyes and light hair. I asked her to dinner, and she said yes. But I asked three times before and she had said no."

"Oh, you got that jungle fever boy, but no matter. Uchiha prowess always prevails."

"So where you gonna take her bro?" Sasuke wondered out loud. "I mean, she seems special so you just can't take her anywhere."

"I know," Itachi's brows furrowed, "Somewhere nice, but not over the top."

"So she has a pretty face." Sai interjected, "But what about the boom-bada-bam?"

"Thatta boy, he's a quick one." Madara nodded, " she got boom-bada-bam Itachi?"

"She's a brick house, Uncle." Itachi solemnly confessed.

Sasuke's and Shisui's mouths hung open; Itachi never spoke so colorfully about a female before.

"You gotta go for Italian." Naruto began, "Grandpa Jiraiya says ladies love Italian."

"So true." Fugaku added, "It's your mom's favorite."

"Definitely," Shisui stated, "Bitches love alfredo."

"Then it's settled, Italian it is." Itachi concluded.

"Good." Madara clapped his hands, "Now it comes down to the hard part. What will you talk about at dinner?"

All the boys and even Fugaku circled around Uncle Maddy as he began giving Itachi what he deemed 'the best advice of his life'.

A/N: Kinda short chapter. But I honestly wasn't going to write about guy's night at all, then this just popped up in my head. Don't really know how long I want this story to be, but I made resolutions this year so Im gonna finish it! Hope you all enjoyed, please leave a review.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto

Itachi sighed for the millionth time this evening. Staring into the mirror, gazing upon his features, he couldn't help from noticing the simple fact that he was attractive as hell. Damn he looked so good, his pale skin, dark hair, dark eyes. He combed his fingers through his ponytail one last time. Tonight was a special night. Tonight a very special girl, whom he had been admiring for a long time, finally accepted his offer of having dinner with him. He was ecstatic, although due to his Uchiha mannerisms one couldn't tell from looking at him.

"Wow Itachi, lookin' good." Sayuri commented, walking in on her brother in the bathroom.

"Hn, really?" Itachi questioned, tossing his ponytail over his shoulder (bishounen style with glitter and sparkles) "It's not too much is it?"

"Please, you are so getting laid."

"Excuse me?" Itachi quirked an eyebrow.

"Look brother, keep up posing and tossing that ponytail and you'll be getting some tonight."

"…some Italian? We are going to Luigi's."

"Uhh, okay. Never mind, just have a good time tonight."

"Thank you, Sayuri." Itachi murmured absent mindedly.

His mind wandered back in time when he first saw what he deemed an earth angel. Never had any female caught his attention the way she did. He usually didn't spend a lot of time in the Seals department of the Hokage Tower, but at the end of a successful mission, he found himself wandering the winding halls to the office to turn in a scroll. Naturally when he entered all the women perked up. Skirts were straightened, some were raised. Buns were let down, lipstick applied.

"Hello, Uchiha-san. How can I help you?" A busty brunette drawled, twiddling a pen in her hand…in a very sexual, sensual fashion.

"Hello, I am here to turn in a scroll retrieved during my mission. Have I come to the right place?" Itachi, ever the polite male, cut through the sexy mojo the woman was dumping all over him. The sad truth to that was he didn't even know the girl was throwing it out.

This nameless brunette wasn't giving up though. Her uterus was practically doing back flips at the thought of carrying his child. She tossed her hair over her shoulder, revealing a low cut (very unprofessional) blouse, but let's just be honest hoes gotta work too.

"What type of scroll, Itachi-kun" She purred, estrogen leaking from her pores.

"Thunder Dragon Black Lightning Regeneration Scroll." Itachi answered, slightly offended at busty brunettes change in honorifics, and totally unaffected by her cleavage presentation.

"Well, lightning is Kumo's territory." Busty began twirling hair around her finger, "Buuuuut, I can help you out here."

"And what is your jurisdiction?"

"Konoha, but for you I'm willing to go above and beyond my call of duty."

"That won't be necessary. Please direct me to someone in Kumo jurisdiction." Itachi, the sexually oblivious commanded.

"Down the hall on your right." Busty growled, clearly not used to being denied.

Itachi thanked her and was on his way. He knocked before entering the next office, but as he entered his breath was taken away. As she welcomed him in, Itachi's heart pounded in his chest. This had never happened to him before.

"Can I help you?"

"I, uh, yes. I have a scroll." Itachi blurted out. He scrambled to get the scroll for her.

"Oh, Thunder Dragon Black Lightning Regeneration Scroll…" she commented, turning the scroll over in her hands.

"Yes, it is. How did you know?"

"It's written right here."

"Oh, yes. I, uh, I see."

After thirty seconds, because Itachi has specially trained ninja eyes to take in surroundings in a fast manner, Itachi had burned her exotic beauty into his memory. Everything from her snow white hair, to her icy blue eyes and her brown skin were memorized. Her genuine kindness, her soft voice, the absence of assertive/aggressive sexual forwardness he usually encountered (but was for some unknown reason always oblivious to). At this very moment in time, Itachi learned a truth about himself. He was attracted to this woman.

Mabui on the other hand, was starting to feel uncomfortable. Itachi had been staring, unblinkingly at her for a while now. Where she was from, this was straight up rude. None the less she had to be on her best behavior, being from Kumo working in Konoha and all that jazz. He was a fine ass man, anyone could see that. He was somewhat familiar, but she couldn't quite put her finger on why that was so. Not to mention, Busty the brunette had walked past at least ten times in the last minute. And every woman in the office knew that was office hoe-ese for 'I'm all about that D so back off'.

"Well, if that's all uhh…what was your name?"

"Uchiha, Itachi."

_Oh shit_. "Uchiha-san, is that all?"

"Actually, I would like to know your name."

_Holy_ _shit_. "Mabui."

"Is that your surname?"

"My first name, just Mabui, no last name. Not really common in Kumo." Cuz nobody knows who they daddy is over there, go figure.

_Duh, Itachi. How many times have you been to Kumo!?_ "Mabui san, it was nice meeting you."

Busty brunette did another lap past the office door. Bitch must be training for a marathon. Mabui prayed that hoe wouldn't make it hell for her cuz she wanted the Uchiha heir's generation donation of sperm. Not like he wanted her, but it was obvious she couldn't take the hint.

"Nice meeting you too, Uchiha-san."

Itachi sighed once more in front of his mirror; the memories of first meeting Mabui still swimming in the front of his mind. Casting one final glance at his reflection he turned off the light and left the room. As he walked down the stairs, Mikoto and Fugaku were waiting in the living room.

" .god. Look at my baby!" Mikoto squealed, tears brimming in her eyes.

"Mother, please. It's only dinner, no big deal." Itachi commented, embarrassed by such a show of emotion.

"Boy, do you know who your father is? This is a big deal. And you look so handsome." Mikoto gushed, thanking every heavenly being that her beautiful genes were passed to her son.

"Here son," Fugaku passed a roll of cash, "Uchiha are always gentlemen."

"I have money."Itachi, stated. He only did like a million missions a month, stackin' that paper.

"It's okay son, take it" he stuffed the money in Itachi's pocket.

Itachi having a people pleasing personality type accepted the loot. He waved goodbye to his parents and set out to Luigi's.

Mabui sat at the bar at Luigi's. She twisted and untwisted the napkin before her. To state the obvious, the girl was nervous. Not only because she was waiting on the Uchiha, Itachi, but also because Busty bitch tits (a.k.a. Busty brunette) had pretty much threatened her job due to Itachi asking her to dinner. She had already denied him twice, you would think he would catch the damn drift. But no, he came again. The last time he brought a beautiful bouquet of flowers, and was a total gentleman asking her to have dinner with him. No catch lines like "daaaaaammnn girl, you so fine…" just a simple invitation, wanting to share her company. She would have been a fool to say no. Now she sat fidgeting with her napkin, wondering what in the hell could the heir of the Uchiha want with a girl like her.

Itachi stepped into Luigi's, a fresh bouquet of daisies in his hand. At the flower shop Ino suggested these were perfect for a first date. She was one of the calmer fangirls his brother attracted. His eyes, naturally sharp because not only of his sharingan but he eats a lot of carrots as well, picked on up on his lovely's form at the bar. He self consciously smoothed his ponytail and several waitresses charged to greet him.

"How can I help you sir?" Bluenette bimbo sauntered up to him, working her hips like they were double jointed.

"I have a reservation under Uchiha. I'm actually meeting some—"

"Oh, how many in your party?"

"Two."

"Having dinner with your mother?"

"No, I'm on a—"

"Father?"

"No, actually I—"

"Ooooohh, it must be a business dinner between clan heads. I believe I saw Hyuga come in earlier."

"No. I'm here on a date. The young lady at the bar is waiting on me, so if you'll excuse me." Itachi walked off towards the bar not waiting for a reply. His uncle Madara would've asked why that blue-haired waitress was so thirstay? Whatever that meant, he was sure they were at least allowed water breaks during their shifts.

"Mabui-san."

Mabui quite ungracefully dismounted her bar stool.

"Oh, ah Uchiha-san—"

"Please, call me Itachi. These are for you." Itachi handed her the flowers.

"Th-thank you, Itachi-san."

"You seem nervous, please don't be. I think our table is ready."

Itachi nodded slightly to the blue bimbo, she smiled artificial sweetness at Mabui until Itachi was out of sight. Then she glared daggers at the poor girl. Which was why Mabui was so damn nervous; being on a date with Konoha's finest shinobi warranted death glares from every single (and even some married) woman within a 10 mile radius.

As they walked to their table, which seemed to be the furthest point away in the deepest depths of the restaurant, Mabui was attacked by dirty looks from females of every age. One bitch looked no older than 10, was sneering and making violent innuendos with her knife and fork. Lord, when Itachi pulled the chair out for her she swore Blue bimbo 'coughed' slut to her. These bitches don't know who they fuckin' with. She was from the mothafuckin' streets of Kumo, don't let this nice hair and pretty eyes fool you. Mabui was a kunoichi, even though she worked in an office, she would cut a bitch if she had to.

"Deandra will be serving you tonight; she will be with you momentarily." Blue bimbo smiled at Itachi, and then the bitch dropped a napkin with her phone number on the shit right in the middle of the damned table. Itachi paled, remembering how his mother had acted when his father had brought home a crumpled napkin from a bar one night.

"Umm, yea, you dropped something." Mabui picked up the napkin and waved in the bimbo's face.

"That, obviously, wasn't for you." Blue bimbo hissed.

"Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry, but I could've sworn that I was the woman on the date, not you. And he, obviously, doesn't want your number if he didn't pick up the ratchet ass napkin you scribbled it on." Mabui stood up out of her chair, enough was enough and she was about to molly-wop this bitch.

"Oh, hell—"

"Oh, hell yes. Let me ask him for you, sweetheart." Mabui sucked her teeth and turned to Itachi, who was sitting in his seat and ever so patiently watching the exchange between the two. "I'm sorry Itachi-san, did you want Bimbo-ratchet's phone number?"

Itachi swallowed hard. Mabui had that smile on her face, the one when you know a woman is about to murder someone. He had seen his mother smile the same exact smile at his father numerous times before she attempted to murder him. He closed his eyes and shook his head no.

"Well, can you imagine that?" Mabui tore the napkin into a million pieces, quite furiously. "Now, how about you go get Deandra so we can have an enjoyable evening, and if you so much as sniff in this directions I will destroy you just like I destroyed this napkin. Got it?"

Blue bimbo nodded and backed off, stumbling to get away from the table.

"Anybody else wanna try me?" Mabui asked, hands up, looking around the restaurant. When all the ladies pointedly ignored her she sat down. "That's what I thought."

Itachi sat in silence, in pure shock. The power of this woman awed him, the way she staked claim over him and dared any woman to challenge her. She was like a lioness, and he her mate. She would savagely protect her territory from the paws of any other female. His lioness, his queen of the jungle. His attraction for her grew a hundred fold, and if he was quite honest with himself she scared him a little. After Itachi got a hold of himself, he remembered the words of his Uncle Madara. It was time to get this thing moving forward.

"You look beautiful tonight, Mabui-san." Itachi used his smooth operator voice, the one he practiced on Sasuke until he got weirded out.

"Thank you, you look quite nice yourself." Mabui's face was an open flame, she couldn't believe he called her beautiful.

"I see you are a very…strong willed kunoichi. That's refreshing."

"What do you mean?"

"The kunoichi here, they can be…I don't know, too eager to please."

As their conversation continued, Fate and Karma passed by the restaurant. Both looked through the window and zoned in on the couple. They nodded at each other then crossed pinkies and hooked them. When they released pinkies a magical cornucopia appeared, and they partook of the bountiful fruit presented before them. After the last apricot was consumed a rainbow-maned unicorn materialized and neighed a series of musical notes. These beautifully articulated notes opened a portal door to another dimension. Fate looked at Karma; Karma looked at Fate, the rainbow-maned unicorn bowed to them both. They mounted the unicorn and it charged off into the portal, with a flash of light and a clap of thunder, the portal closed behind them. And once again, down the real shit went in Konoha this night.

A/N: Know its been a while, but I really want to finish this story. Who knows what will happen next, cuz I sure don't. Please leave a review, and thanks for reading.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

Fate and Karma rode on the back of the rainbow-maned unicorn, passing through the very fabric of space and time. When the rainbow-maned unicorn halted they dismounted before stone steps of a secret temple. The steps seemed to go on forever, mountains and mountains high. But ain't nobody got time for that, they teleported to the entrance of the temple. Inside the atrium water cascaded down from the ceiling into receiving troughs lined side by side throughout the room. Fate and Karma knelt at the center trough, dipped their hands into the water and splashed their faces seven times. A robed figure arose from the trough, shadows hiding their face.

"Who dares disturb my slumber?"

"It is I, Fate."

"And I, Karma."

"And why is it you seek an audience?"

"We are here to request a portion of your power." Karma spoke. Both kept their heads in their bowed positions.

"This is a hefty request. Why should I invest my power in your dawdlings?"

Fate slowly raised his head, a smile spreading across his face. "There are two families in which we would like to bestow your power upon."

"Who might they be?"

"The Uchiha and the Hyuga…"

"Oh, I see. Do continue."

_AT THE HYUGA COMPOUND...  
_

Hiashi laid in his bed, turning over the conversation he had with Ko a few days prior. Was he really an asshole, or that much of an asshole? Apparently so. He remembered the day Hinata was born, he couldn't remember much about her features, or her weight or length. All he could remember was disappointment. He had hoped for an heir, and after checking three times there was nothing dangling between Hinata's legs he knew he would be impregnating his wife once more.

All because his twin had had a son, a son who actually looked like a Hyuga. Neji had grown to become beautiful, steadfast, strong, a damn genius! Hinata had grown to become weak, shy, and awkward. Hanabi was fierce, but still a girl. Then his wife had gone and died, leaving him with two daughters and no son. What the actual fuck did people expect him to do? Always reporting on his children's progress like he didn't know what the hell was going on. And they all hated him. Neji hated him, which was kinda understandable, Hinata hated him (go figure), and Hanabi hated him because of all the shit with Hinata.

Kicking his covers off he got out of bed and sat at his manly vanity, staring at his reflection. Damn, he was pretty. He lifted his brush and began stroking it through his hair. What? Being a Hyuga is a thing of beauty as well as power. After he finished brushing a lustrous sheen in his mahogany hair, he stared at his reflection. He still had a few years before he had to break the news to Hinata. Fuck, it's hard out here for a clan head.

_SOMEWHERE NORTHEAST OF KUMO VILLAGE..._

Hinata couldn't wait to arrive at the gates of the Shiratori clan. These past thirteen years of her life had been rough, and there were only a handful of things she had been grateful for. Hanabi for one, Neji (after he stopped being an asshole) and most of all, her mother. She was the only person in that whole compound that made her feel okay to be herself. After she passed away, it was like Hinata was cursed. But this was the start of a new chapter in her life. She had heard so many things about this clan, how they produced some of the most beautiful women ever seen in the five nations. They lived at the highest mountain top just northeast of Kumo village. That last one was proving to be true, and this was some baby back bullshit.

Fuck ninja training, how the hell did these bitches climb up these mountains in the first place? Neji was quietly soldiering on, Hanabi on his back. Lee was in the motherfucking eternal springtime of his damned youth, so his ass was pretty much hop-scotching across mountain tops. Hinata seemed to be the only one sweating buckets and moving like a Hyuga granny.

"Hinata-san, mount me! With this fire of youth burning inside of me I'll—"

"Lee, shut the hell up! And don't ever ask my cousin to mount you again. EVER." Neji's eye had begun to twitch, "Hinata-sama, we can rest if you need to."

"That sounds like a good idea." Hinata said, breathlessly.

"The sun is setting, it'll be dark soon." Hanabi chimed in, shamelessly still on Neji's back.

The four spread out around a fire started by Neji, although Lee did valiantly try…using only the fire of his youth. Afterwards, Lee felt it was time for "scary" stories so he went first.

"That story was horrible Lee." Neji wished he could get his last 20 minutes of life back.

"Yea Lee, you da worstest." Hanabi rearranged her sleeping bag, "I got a real scary story for you though."

"Just so we don't get another story like Lee's, "Hinata shot him a dirty look, "What is this story about?"

"That time when dad found a half drunken bottle of water abandoned in the kitchen." Hanabi side-glanced at Hinata.

Neji stared snickering, and Hinata became flustered.

"GASP! This story seems suspenseful." Lee sat forward, giving Hanabi all of his attention.

"N-n-no! Hanabi, DO NOT tell this story!"

"No Hanabi, tell the story." Neji started to laugh, uncontrollably.

"Neji, noooooooo!" Hinata covered her head under the sleeping bag. After she heard nothing for a few moments she pulled the covers down. Above her stood a wild ass fucking beast, with a skeleton face and feathers standing out from its head. Oh wait, no it wasn't a beast. It was a wild ass fucking mountain person wearing a skeleton face with feathers standing out. This was somewhat of a relief, only slightly because at least she wouldn't be eaten. Not unless this was a cannibal wild ass fucking mountain person. Hinata's fear leveled up when she saw that Lee, Neji and Hanabi were already taken.

"Oh fuuu—"

Hinata was hit over the head, leaving her unconscious and therefore unable to finish her sentence.

Neji cracked open his eyes, rays of sunlight burning his retinas. He was tied up, won't this some bullshit. This is why he usually stayed serious, he laughs one time in twelve years and gets motherfuckin' ambushed. Maybe if he was getting paid for this he may have given a fuck, but nope, his uncle was stingy as hell and he couldn't care less. He took in his surroundings; he was in some sort of holding cell separated from the others. Being guarded by two soldiers, hold up…two female soldiers. Damn, two fine ass female soldiers. Was it his birthday? This was beyond his wildest fantasy (even though nothing was going on…yet).

"You up in there, pretty boy?" The red hair kunoichi called out.

"In more ways than one, red." Neji smirked, his lovely hair falling around his face and hot damn was he sexy.

"Samui, looks like we have another one." The red head chuckled.

Hot damn, Neji got a good look at both kunoichi as they walked toward him. They were both from Kumo, the blonde one (Samui) had huge tits. The dark skinned one with red hair had ass for days. Neji closed his eyes and thanked his lucky stars.

"So what's on your mind, Hyuga? Or is blood even still reaching your brain?" Samui asked, crouching in front of him.

Please rape me, please rape me, please rape me.

"Hey, Samui. Get your tits outta his face, he's gonna suffocate."

"If he can't handle a pair of tits, how's he gonna handle the pair of us Karui?"

Holy shit. Shit fuck damn YES! "My body is ready." Neji's voice dropped three octaves.

Karui and Samui giggled, walking a circle around the trapped Konoha shinobi.

"Tell me Hyuga, are the men from Konoha into this?" Karui asked, dangling a ball gag in front of his face.

Neji swallowed hard, had they been reading his journal?

"And this?" Samui asked, twirling a pair of handcuffs around her finger.

Sweet baby Jesus. Yeeeeesssss!

When Hinata woke it was to sounds of what she assumed was torture. In a way, she was right. Looking around her cell, it was just her and Hanabi who was still asleep sprawled across what looked to be a cot, but really was a wad of blankets. More whimpers and muffled screams made their way through the walls. Holy shit, was it Neji or Lee? Oh dear gods, what were they doing to him? How the fuck did they get ambushed, what was the use of having a damn Byakugan if bitches were just gonna sneak up on you? She could hear her father's voice loud and clear, this was somehow all her fault. Just as she started to hyperventilate from an oncoming panic attack, her cell door opened. Before her stood the second most beautiful woman she had ever seen. She looked down at Hanabi's sleeping form, then graciously smiled as she met Hinata's eyes.

"Hello sister." The woman bowed her head, her chestnut hair elegantly swept up into woven braids encircling her head. The motion of bowing caused her jewelry to clink ever so beautifully. Hinata was certain everything this woman did was graceful and beautiful.

"U-um, hello. Do I know you?"

The woman laughed lightly. Like rays of shining light breaking through on an overcast day.

"Of course not, Hinata daughter of Atsuko Shiratori. I, Naomi your sister in spirit, welcome you to the Shiratori compound."

"Shiratori compound!? W-w-we were ambushed! And now my friends are being tortured in the next cell!"

"Oh, lovely Hinata."Naomi kneeled before her, "No man has ever laid eyes upon the entrance of our compound and this must remain so. And I assure you, your friends are being…taken care of with the upmost hospitality."

"But there were screams and and…"

The blush that set across Naomi's face explained everything that was left unsaid.

"Oh, my. W-well then. What exactly will I be learning during my stay here?" Hinata desperately needed a change of subject.

"Everything you care to learn, sister. About your history, your mother, the ways of our clan."

"My mother?"

"Yes, she was a very important member of our clan. The daughter of the clan head, the most beautiful of all the daughters within our gates. I see you take after your mother, sister Hinata."

"That's kind of you to say, Naomi-san."

"It is the truth. I will teach you more after your introduction. Shall we gather the rest of your team?"

"Y-yes. I'll wake Hanabi."

Naomi left the cell, leaving the door open. Hinata figured that Neji and Lee may need a little more time being "tended to". As she gently brushed the bangs out of Hanabi's face she wondered. Would being the heiress of this clan turn out any better than it did back home? Would it just be more standards that she couldn't add up to? She took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. There was only one way to find out. Then she held Hanabi's nose until she shot up, gasping for air. Ah, a sense of mediocrity in an insane world, after all what were big sisters for?

A/N: Hooray for free time. I can just write and write and write. I thought it was time to check in on Hinata and crew. Thank y'all for reading, please review


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